Naturally, I immediately blamed the dogs for the success of this intrusion. Technically, they were inside when it happened, lounging around on the couch and watching FOX News. (I keep telling them it’s not news about small, dog-like animals, but they don’t care.)
Regardless of what they were doing, it’s still at least partially their fault. There should have been some “I got a bad, bad case of rabies, MFer!” style barking going on through the window at least. But I doubt it happened. They’re soft.
But like Milli Vanilli, I also blame it on the rain.
This ridiculous, nonstop rain we’ve had over the past month has my backyard looking like something out of “Jurassic Park.” The elephant ears alone are so big up to five medium-sized thieves could hide in them, and maybe even camp out under a leaf or two.
The grass is growing at an epic rate, but it can’t hold a candle to the weeds, which you can actually watch get taller just by staring for 30 seconds. This also makes a perfect hiding spot for shorter criminals who aren’t allergic to dandelions or afraid of being eaten by the giant carnivorous-looking weed that’s grown up near the back of the garage.
If you’ve lived around here for any amount of time, you’re used to the afternoon showers in late summer, but this is not that. This is like the original “Blade Runner” movie where Harrison Ford tries to kill human replicants in a nonstop downpour. I’m not sure where we stand on replicated humans, but if the dystopian future includes never-ending rain, we may have arrived.
I’m sure anyone from the southwestern part of the country who might happen to read my complaints about the rain would curse me for callously flaunting our wealth of H2O — that’s if their dust-covered, dehydrated vocal cords still actually work. We’re not hearing as much of that “dry heat” “low humidity” “perfect weather” talk about California these days. The west is as dry as Kay Ivey’s elbows. (That’s just a guess. She does not talk to the media about her health or skincare.)
Hundreds of years ago, the environment in our area must have seemed especially challenging, with the rain, hurricanes, malaria and whatnot. Now, we sort of have it made compared to many parts of the country that due to a combination of population overgrowth and drought, find themselves subject to insane-sounding punishments just for watering the lawn. Just yesterday I read a story about celebrities like Sylvester Stallone, Kevin Hart and a Kardashian or two who are in trouble for using too much water in California. The local government is threatening to place “flow restrictors” on their homes if these Hollywood bigshots don’t stop using so much water keeping their compounds looking lush.
Flow restrictors? In our area, we’re more concerned about restrictor plates in NASCAR, but that’s a totally separate issue.
In most parts of the country and even the world, having enough water is a huge problem. Our problem here is having too much. While most of the world is worried about conserving water and trying to figure out how to only flush the toilet once a week, we can waste water to our hearts’ content. It’s actually a little obscene.
Sometimes when it’s raining really hard, I’m tempted to flush the toilet a few times just to fight back. But I don’t, because I know it’s morally wrong and moronically stupid. Also, we’re already up to about 1,000 sewer system overflows in the past three weeks, so no reason to encourage more of that.
That’s one of the problems of having so much water — raw sewage floating down the street. I mean, I’d rather have that issue than wildfires and flow restrictors, but sewer overflows aren’t going to help tourism or the monkeypox outbreak.
It feels like we ought to be able to make some serious money out of all this water. Think about it, there are pipelines that deliver oil and gas thousands of miles, why not a water pipeline? You think Sly Stallone and the Kardashians wouldn’t plunk down serious bucks for some Sweet Home Alabama water right now? All we need is a really huge funnel at our end of the pipeline, and — Boom! — drinking water galore in the other LA
A bottle of water at the convenience store is almost $3 now, so just imagine how much we could gouge Californians for when their Bel Air lawns are drying up?
As individuals, we could get in on this as well. All we each need is a big tarp and a bunch of gallon milk jugs. Just collect the falling rain and direct it toward those jugs and sell them for $10 apiece. Hurricanes and tropical storms could become serious money-making opportunities. Who needs crypto when you have swimming pools of water falling from the sky? A good Cat 3 could put the kids through college.
Somehow or another, we’ve ignored making serious money off our most plentiful natural resource. We allow that liquid gold to flow down the storm drains or to overwhelm our sewer systems without even attempting to overcharge thirsty people for it. That’s just plain dumb!
It’s time to get serious about this. The city has big ideas about renovating our Civic Center, but no one has discussed the obvious solution. Flip that dome upside down and get a whole bunch of milk jugs. It’ll be raining money.